


Lightning Risked it All

by mytimehaspassed



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Parent/Child Incest, Sibling Incest, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-07
Updated: 2010-05-07
Packaged: 2017-10-22 09:09:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/236423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mytimehaspassed/pseuds/mytimehaspassed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This whole time, you’re thinking Sam’s such a fucking idiot to believe that this could ever be over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lightning Risked it All

**LIGHTNING RISKED IT ALL**  
SUPERNATURAL  
John/Dean; Sam/Dean  
 **WARNINGS** : set during "Shadow"

  
This whole time, you’re thinking Sam’s such a fucking idiot to believe that this could ever be over. The whole thing with Meg and the shadow demons and your dad coming back, this whole time, you’re thinking why are you always the one to be the adult, to be the big brother or the first born son. Why do you always have to be the bigger man around everyone else? Dad once told you that it was true what they say, that nice guys finish last, because he’s a nice guy and look where that left him. He’s a nice guy, and it’s your father and it’s his fingers creeping up the soft expanse of your open thighs, and maybe you love him more than you can stand, maybe you trust him with your life, but that doesn’t make him any less of a liar.

The way you and Sam grew up, there wasn’t any sibling rivalry for Dad’s attention. The way you two were raised, Sam knew his place in Dad’s heart, knew he didn’t want to be anywhere near the place where you were because that was way too much for him, way too much for anyone besides your mom, really. The way it was, Sam liked being defiant and distant and different from you and you tried your hardest to keep it that way. What you and Dad had – have, what the fuck ever – what went on between the two of you, that was yours and yours alone and you would gladly shoulder any blame that Sam could cook up.

When you see Dad at the hotel, you feel yourself falling into the old routine. It’s easy to touch him, it’s easy to let him wrap his arms around you and hold you tight because it’s been like that for years and you’ve never really known anything else. Girls come and go, but Sammy and Dad, they’ll be here forever as long as you have a say. Dad and his hands on your back, his fingers tight against your jacket, and maybe you’re trying really hard not to cry. Maybe Sammy has had you worked up since his little speech, and maybe you just want your family to be together again like it used to be, you and Dad and Sam living together like it always should be, even if you have to play the mom sometimes.

You and Dad and Sam, and for that split second Dad holds you, holds you tight and squeezes his fingers even tighter, for the time it takes him to clutch you in his arms, his mouth is against your ear and he’s saying, I love you, I love you, over and over, and you know that really means I missed you. You know that really means that he’s missed your touch and your skin and he’s missed kissing your mouth to the point where it seems like he’ll swallow your tongue. I love you, I love you, and you know what that means. He’s missed your body, your fingers and lips and teeth, he’s missed burying his nose in the nape of your neck as you gasp for breath, he’s missed grabbing handfuls of your hair and yanking until there’s tears in your eyes. He’s missed the way you shiver when his fingers run down your stomach.

You and Dad and Sam, for that second, it’s like it always was. Sam and his wavering trust and you and your blind faith, and Dad bouncing roles between you two. Because, really, as much as you love Dad, as much as you want him in your life, in Sam’s life, all you’ve ever been is a stand-in for Mom. Maybe that’s all you’ve ever deserved. Maybe that’s all you ever should be, because Sam needs someone he can believe in and Dad needs someone he can be with. Sometimes you’re tired of always pleasing them, of always pushing aside your needs, but maybe this is all you really need. Maybe this is what you were meant for.

Sam doesn’t talk about what happened when you were growing up, he likes to pretend you three approached some sense of normal, but that doesn’t make it any less true. You and Dad, you both are so fucked up, and maybe you could blame each other, but most of the time you don’t have the energy. Most of the time you’re fighting the everyday loss, you’re fighting the urge to call Dad’s cell to leave long-winded messages explaining how much you love him and how much you wish he was here. You know he would listen to them, but that’s not what stops you from doing it, that’s not what breaks your heart, it’s the fact that he would listen and then erase, ignore, not come rushing to your side. It’s the fact that you’ve given all you can – every single fucking thing you think he would ever need – and he’s only ever used you.

Mostly, you’re all fucked up, you and Dad and even Sam, with his visions and the crush he’s always had on you. Superhero complex, he says, to hide that fact that you’re in love with him just as much as he’s in love with you. To hide the fact that you’d never ever let him get that close, if only because you’re afraid of what you might do. Of who you might become.

You and Dad and Sam, you live in this world cloaked in shadows and you just wish that one day you’ll have enough sense to do something about it, to break away from comfortable and familiar and pretend to be an adult, pretend that you think this is bad and wrong and that it needs to stop. You don’t know what’s gonna happen next, who’s gonna make the first move towards enlightenment, but you know it’ll never be you because you can’t live like this. You can’t live without Dad or Sam, and you’ll kill anyone who tries to stand in your way.

Dad’s fingers tight against your back, against the bruises and blood, and it’s so easy, it’s so painless to fall back into this, that you don’t care about what he’s saying, you don’t care about what he really means, all you can think about is staying like this forever. Just you and Dad and Sam, forever and ever in this fucked up family, just living together where no one can stop you, where nothing can come between you.

Sam’s teary-eyed amazement and Dad’s arms around you, it’s so fucking easy that you would give up your soul for just one more moment like this.

And you won’t even be surprised when the devil answers.


End file.
